Happy Hello Ian, nearly.
It's The Starved Blog, Octember Edition!
Whoop whoop: An intro from special guest hip hop pioneer KRS1!
It’s a packed edition this lunar cycle, with writers’ tips, news, reviews, half-baked comical skits and promotional content.
News
New book (an actual book by me, the writer Thomas Norford)
My new book Anomic Bombs is out now. It’s a bunch of sci-fi stories for people who don’t fit in, and is up to 27% more accessible than The Starved God!
New AI tool for generating writer controversy
Elon Musk and Morrissey have teamed up to create a new AI tool for aspiring writers called ChatGP-REEEEE. The tool takes the labour out of putting yourself on the map as a writer by generating manufactured controversy on your behalf. Simply enter the parameters of your choice and the tool can:
Say something a bit racist/sexist on social media on your behalf.
Generate up to 64 historical accusations against you of sexual impropriety.
Send a tsunami of death threats to/from you.
Write open letters (signed by up to 3000 sock puppets) to The Guardian about this that or the other, demanding unspecified ‘action.’
With the pro subscription, the tool will arrange for hired thugs to protest and disrupt your book fairs, writer club talks or book signings: they can even physically attack you on stage and leave you paralysed/blind/disfigured/dead!
Let the backlash begin!
Writers’ Tips
Useful tools
With the right tools at your fingertips, you can successfully turn ideas into things that are written down. Here are my favourites this month/week:
Stephen King’s On Writing
Because the way some people bang on about it there’s no other way to write as far as I can tell. On a related note, if you want to make the greatest burger ever known to man, ask Ronald fucking McDonald.
Excel
Forget Atticus, Pro Writing Aid, Word etc. All the successful writers use Excel.
Use the MUMPORN formula for creating your own spicy romance plot, aimed at the female reader demographic:
=MUMPORN,(if,(a2=WILLTHEY(A2,B2,),IF(A2=WONTTHEY, INDEX(A2, “BIGDICKS”)))
Use the FANTASY formula to generate a plot which will appeal to sweaty neckbeards:
=FANTASY(A2:A821939, MAGIC “System”), AZZ2:AZZ821939, TODAY()-8294739, ELVESNSHIT,=<,IF(CONVOLUTE,))),ASFORETOLD+VLOOKUP(A2,Tolkien,), COPY
Neurodiversity
Diagnose yourself with a “cool” disorder to make you and your work more interesting, eg PTSD, ADHD, Dyslexia, mild autism (not the bitey, smeary sort), Depression. Avoid BAD neurodiversities like Personality Disorders, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, actual autism or just being really Thick.
Ditch the monitor
Use a computer without a screen to stay ‘in the moment’ when writing and avoid the temptation to edit as you go.
Rooney vs Rooney
Two Rooneys stand astride the cultural landscape like the colossi of ancient myth: Sally, the acclaimed Normal People Irish literature superstar, and Wayne, Manchester United and England footballing legend. But which Rooney is the best? Let’s solve the riddle philosophers and scientists have grappled with for centuries:
Round one: finishing.
A toughie, this one. The ending of Sally’s Conversations with Friends is open ended and nuanced, perfectly capturing the ambiguous nature of her protagonists’ relationships. Her latest, Intermezzo, reaches a confident and mature conclusion of the characters’ journeys. The literary star has a masterful grasp of denouement. However, you can’t argue with Wayne’s 53 goals for England and a record breaking 253 for the Red Devils. Six-yard tap ins, free kicks, headers, spectacular volleys, thunderbastards from thirty yards, the Croxteth goal machine had it all and was a natural finisher. Result: Draw.
Round two: old people.
In Sally’s Normal People, Marianne’s mother Denise is abusive and controlling. The older characters in Conversations with Friends are portrayed as distant and out of touch. Clearly, the literary supremo has a problem with seniors. Wayne, however, bedded a grandmother known as 'Auld Slapper' who wore a rubber catsuit during their passionate romp. Even though his performance was described as “pretty average,” Wazza definitely has a place in his heart for mature folk. Winner: Wayne.
Round three: eating disorders.
Sally has faced criticism for allegedly glorifying eating disorders and focusing excessively on the thinness of her characters and pundits argue that these portrayals could be harmful. Wayne meanwhile, has piled on the timber since (and even before) his retirement - no one would accuse him of setting unrealistic body standards! Winner: Wayne.
Round four: looking like Rude Kid from Viz Magazine.
No contest. Winner: Wayne.
Round four: books.
Let’s defer to the wisdom of the crowds, and that impeccable source of literary criticism, Goodreads:
Wazza takes it by a slim 0.237. Winner: Wayne.
OVERALL WINNER: WAYNE ROONEY
Reviews
Reviews of actual books I have actually read
Service Model by Adrian Tchaikovsky
A robot valet goes a little haywire, leaves home and discovers the world is not quite as he remembered it. This novella is told in a light, comical tone while touching on some pretty intense philosophical concepts. The pace slows down in places while the robot wrestles with his programming, and some of the comic devices are overused, but it is a very clever and entertaining book. If I was writing a university essay about it, I’d say something about how the author uses an AI protagonist to deconstruct narrative conventions and character archetypes. Or some shit.
5 out of 5.
Among the Living by Tim Lebbon
On a really cold island somewhere a group of prospectors clash with a group of environmental activists release something very unpleasant from the frozen wastes.
Tim Lebbon’s quality varies wildly - this is one of his better ones. The environmental message is laid on a bit thick, but it’s got plenty of satisfying creature feature type shenanigans and characters who aren’t too annoying.
3.5 spores out of 5.
This was quite a good read, I even chuckled occasionally. Check your Amazon dashboard or bookshelf or whatever the hell it's called. If you see a purchase, that was me. It took me a while to find it - I had to get it from the US site, and it kept giving me atomic bomb related stuff, which I clearly have no need to read. Eventually I found Anomic Bombs. It'd better be good.